in january of ’97 i got appendicitis. i was still in the navy and stationed in spain. the corpsmen reffered to me as ‘the appendectomy from hell’ not because i was difficult, but because i was there for a week.

yep. i was in the hospital for a complete week because of my appendix. in this day and age when people commonly check in, get it yanked out, stay the night and go home the next day. i was there for 7 days.

started on a monday. i was working eves (3-11 pm) and went to work with a bad stomache ache. sucked. tuesday, i still had it. sucked so bad i wasn’t even eating. i took some tylenol and went to work. sucked bad. passed up an invitation from a friend blowing through town to hit the bars. i was really sick. chris palamarchuk probably still thinks i’m a slacker.

wednesday came and i still had the stomache ache. i hadn’t eaten. i went to work and forgot to take my tylenol. work sucked really bad. i went home and laid squirming in my bed, in the cold with no heat. and i thought. wow, this might actually be serious. guess i’ll have to go to sick call in the morning. and i just don’t go to sick call.

i went to sick call thursday at 8 am. sick call ended at 0730. come back tomorrow, or if it’s really bad, try the emergency room. oh, and there is another sick call from 1215 to 1300. i went and forced myself to eat. i was really run down at this point, and figured it was because i wasn’t eating.

nope. i made sick call and a nurse took about 2 minutes before he set wheels in motion for me to have surgery that night. he didn’t tell me. he just directed me to the lab for a little necesary blood sample, and to the x-ray lab. while he went and chatted with a surgeon.

the surgeon (CDR/DR Mosolino) caught me at the lab. she told me she wasn’t sure if it was an appendix, or a spleen. but something was coming out. and it was coming out that night.

i called my folks. and then called my watchcenter. told them i was on the gurney, rolling down the hall to surgery. i was excused.

the anesthesiologists asked me for a brief description of my surgery (you’re whacking my appendix out), then asked me to identify myself. i replied ‘warren beatty’. they smiled and said ‘good, lets go’.

seems my appendix had done a flip, back up against my ribcage, which caused conflicting symptoms, and led my doc to the confusion about the spleen. oh, it had also ruptured. i had gangrene. no lie.

i laid in the hospital for a week watching them use different antibiotics to eventually defeat my potentially lethal infection.

but here’s the funny part. and what i made y’all all read this whole saga for.

right after surgery, i couldn’t have painkillers because of a clash with my residual anesthesia. so all i could have were muscle relaxants. and this really beatiful blonde/blue nurse/Lt from wisconsin had to stick me right in the top of the leg every 2 hours. all night. i had to hyke up my little hospital dress, she would stick me, and i would jump. she kept apologizing, and kept explaining…

oh, but she finally told me of an alternative. the muscle relaxant just had to be injected into a large muscle….. so….. i could have the shot in my butt, but that was the only other place.

so around 5 am, friday, late january 1997, i rolled over and presented my butt to this totally hot chick for a shot in the ass. she obliged me. i slept well for 2 hours. when it came time for my next shot around 7 i was disappointed. when anticipating my beautiful angel of mercy, i was greeted by Lt da Silva. i think. huge burly italian guy.

guess where i got the shot.

go on, guess.

i laughed and cried and laughed and cried. he never could figure out why….