the hot librarian has asked for answers to a few of lifes greatest mysteries.

i’m going to try and answer a few of them.

1. How do they get the cream filling into Hostess Cupcakes? they have a machine with a needle on it that pokes into the cupcake, then squirts the gooey white cream filling in.

2. Who’s gay in Hollywood and is Scientology somehow involved? most of them, and probably.

3. Oompa Loompas – did they exist at one time? Uh, they might have been the precursor to arabs?

4. JFK. The mob baby. bobby was chunking their asses in jail after they footed the bill to make jfk the president. they figured he owed, and betrayed. they hired a french assassin from corsica who dressed up like a dallas city cop, and killed jfk from the grassy knoll. oswald was a patsy.

5. Area 51. i honestly don’t know.

6. 9/11 – any conspiracy there? yes. but not a us conspiracy. as soon as 2 people are involved, it is a conspiracy. 19 people in those planes. add zacarious mousawi. and the alqaeda command structure. definite conspiracy. no local conspiracy though.

7. Lindsay Lohan’s boobs – real or not so much? i’m going to have to do further research on this one. i’ll let you know what i feel is the answer…

8. Back hair – why? What purpose does it serve? fortuneatly. my back is the ONE place i am not hairy. it serves no purpose.

9. How were the Nazca Lines drawn? with stone plows.

10. Is Elvis still alive?no

11. Wayne Newton. Explain. pact with the devil? i’m not real sure.

12. Can they make shoes that don’t squeak on basketball courts? probably, but they just aren’t trying. i find that if i don’t go, i don’t have to listen to that crap anyway. football is a real sport anyway. why would you ever watch basketball?

13. What happened to the leprechauns?go to any irish pub on st patricks. they’re still there. you just aren’t looking hard enough

14. Why are all the good men taken? i’m right here baby!

15. Spontaneous combustion – how? why? uncleanliness produces the oils necesary for the flame. all you need is a spark. i think this exists just to amuse God.

16. Why hasn’t anyone shot Toby Keith with a BB gun? In his ass? i don’t watch country, go to country concerts, or care about toby keith. but i would assume that a lack of ass shooting is the result of increased security as a result of 9-11. police probably keep confiscating those sheridan pump rifles at the gate. try sneaking in some darts instead. or a wrist rocket!

17. Zombies. i don’t know how the french get by either.

18. Why is Viagra covered by insurance but not birth control? should not be. either of them. but the obvious answer is a plethora of men on the decision making council. if woem dominated the council, it would be the other way. this is the saem as the reason for all of the nudie shots of women in movies, and very few of men. women just aren’t represented that well as directors or producers.

19. Spam. so hawaiians can have breakfast. internet spam? i i want to shoot them!

20. How far along are we in inventing a way for men to give birth? Junior! NOT. although i suspect various lesbian organizations of just flat out trying to phase men out. as soon as the perfect the sperm bank thing, we’re history